This is hell.?

I do not feel God at all. I do not feel His love, hate, or apathy. According to what I've read of Him in the bible and what people say I am scared of Him. And this fear provokes rebellion of even believing in His existence. If I can't detect something with my five senses OR reason that something truly is real then I compartmentalize it in the "I don't know" section of my mind's library. Lord, help me. I love what you call sin. I'm sorry I can't be who I am supposed to be. But where are you when I suffer from my paranoid schizophrenia and bipolar disorder? Where are you when I'm confused? You are supposed to be my dad! It's like you don't even exist! I'm not scared to die. I'm scared of you....and I shouldn't have to be. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for my "faith" to be tested by hellish torment. People help me out, please